When I arrived in Jacksonville on Saturday morning, I was so excited to see him! I was rocking my Navy sweatshirt he gave me for Christmas. It took about an hour to get to Mayport once I got off the plane, grabbed my luggage, rented the car and made my way to the base. While I was waiting for him at the front gate, I was anxious and when I finally saw him walking towards me…I felt a kind of happy that I can’t really describe. I was calm, happy, joyful and just content to be seeing him.

Our first stop was lunch at the Mellow Mushroom Pizza Bakers restaurant and the pizza was delicious! First meal in Florida was yummy, and I think every place he took me to was fantastic! We headed back to the hotel to check in. Being in the hotel room, we acted like kids having a pillow fight and wrestling. Granted, I dont know what I was thinking wrestling with a guy…I always lost.

Spending quality time with him was more than I could have asked for. That afternoon we cuddled, talked, laughed, watched movies and just hung out. That evening we went to the movies and saw “Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol” on IMAX. It really was a great movie! Besides that, sitting next to Adam and seeing the progression of our comfort level was fun. I remember sitting there, obviously wanting to cuddle but was following his lead, and in the middle of the movie his hand traveled to my leg, but it was hesitant at first. It was sweet, I think he was a bit nervous or unsure and reminded me of when we were in the 7th Grade. He finally put his hand on my leg and we held hands, perfect. Once the movie was over, we had dinner and went back to the hotel where we cuddled and watched Daniel Radcliff on SNL. It was so cute, he told me the next day that his arm went numb but since I fell asleep he didn’t want to move me.

On Sunday, we had a very lazy day. We basically left the hotel to eat, and that was it. We went to lunch at TacoLu’s, which he wanted to have me vouch for the authenticity of the Mexican food in Florida. I can definitely say it was great!! They had a filet minon taco…out of this world! He took me to see the Navy Exchange where we looked at movies and he talked about how he can’t wait to have a house that he can have all these cool electronics. So silly! We bought some alcohol and headed back to drink, cuddle, watch movies, and ended up wrestling some more. He still beat me.

Later that night, he took me to a restaurant to have gator. To my picky surprise, it was out of this world good! He was so cute that night, as we were sitting at dinner he said “This is not the perfect place for a ‘date-ish’ night, but the food is great and so is the service.” He was right about all of that, televisions were everyone and it was loud, but I loved the food and I was with him so it didn’t matter to me. After that, we went back and watched the Golden Globes and Animation Domination.

It sounds silly that watching movies and just hanging out is all we did, but it was perfect. Beyond any expectation I had for the weekend, purely for the fact that I was with him from when I arrived until I had to leave for the airport. I didn’t want to leave, it was one of those times you wish you could just make time pause and move a little slower. At the end of the day though, I would not have traded this past weekend for anything in the world.

I am a very lucky girl to have such a wonderful guy care for me as much as I know he does. Now, I wish we can be together…again. He is a phenomenal guy, and I have loved him since I was 12 years old. I fear that we may never have a second shot of being together, and that no other guy will live up to the love that I have for Adam.  He leaves for Japan on March 26th, 2012, which will start the countdown for when he returns home forever in 2015. Three years of him being Japan are not going to be easy, I know that, but if in fact we became something more than what we are now…I know at the end of the day it would all be worth it.

Dreams really do come true at Disneyland!

This past Thursday, I was blessed to have the opportunity to go to Disneyland with the Crosswhite family. They are some of the sweetest, most caring people I know, and I honestly hope that one day I become apart of their family.

Leading up to the day, Adam and I would have long conversations about what we wanted to do and rides we wanted to go on. The day came, and I couldn’t have planned it better myself.

The day was spent roaming the parks and riding rides with the entire Crosswhite family. They are the most open family, and one I truly feel apart of besides the love of my own.

During the day, Mrs. Crosswhite and I would have little side conversations about Adam and me. You see, his mom and sister have this grand ole plan of putting us together again. They are so cute too, that story to come. At one point along the day, Mrs. Crosswhite told me to just go up to Adam and grab his hand. I hesitated because I am not entirely sure what he may be thinking, and I didnt want to creep him out if that was definitely not something he may have wanted. I want to keep our friendship in tact for as long as I possibly can, and will only wish for relationship with my best friend.

Adam and I rode most of the rides together, it was a fantastic time! I remember standing in line for the Matterhorn and we were splitting up into seats and I looked at Adam and asked him if he wanted to ride with me or by himself, and he replied “I was planning to ride with you.” Therefore, we squeezed ourselves into one seat on the Matterhorn and got super cozy. Around 9pm we split up and the two of us went over to California Adventure to check out elecTRONica. That is where the night started to take a turn for the better…

While we were walking over to elecTRONica, Adam acted as if he was going to give me a hug so he put his arm around me and I did as well…and we stayed that way. We went to the bar first and both got drinks, Adam politely bought them. Those drinks were strong, but super delicious. At one point while we were relaxing, enjoying each others company, he leaned over and kissed me. That, alone, made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. For the remainder of the evening, we were cuddly and kissy. Could not have asked for a better way to end the best day of 2011.

Once the party at CA Adventure ended, we headed back to Disneyland cuddling all the way. We were supposed to link back up with his family, but we decided to head off into the night alone. Our first stop was Pirates of the Caribbean. We sat in the front, with his arm around me. I felt so comfortable being in his arms, there aren’t enough words to describe what I was feeling exactly. Got a few kisses along the way, we discussed different parts of the ride, it was simple and fun.

After Pirates, we headed back over to The Haunted Mansion where we rode again. This time it was just like the dreams I was having leading up to our trip to Disneyland. We continued our cuddling spree, with a few kisses here and there. We even threw in a ride on The Winnie the Pooh ride just so I could show him the remnants of the Country Bear Jamboree.

To end the evening inside the park, we headed back to Fantasy land, the land where even more dreams come true. Neither one of us like Pinnochio as both of us were traumatized at one point or another. We ended up riding Snow White and ending on the Peter Pan ride. I feel as if that just upped the romance, it was beautiful.

We walked out of the park arm in arm, and the comfort and love I feel for Adam is extraordinary. At one point he mentioned he felt like a douche because he is moving to Japan at the end of March for the next three years, and I replied we have Skype and its a very minimal amount of time in heinz site. Right? I wish I could go with him, but I am not ready to give up a career of a lifetime if there isn’t a ring on a finger, if you know what I mean.

As planned, we went into Downtown Disney. We were on our way to get some drinks, but everything happened to be closed. Therefore, we just enjoyed each other’s company, arm in arm. I haven’t felt like that for a very long time. Adam is someone who is truly special to me, and no matter what, I do hope he remains apart of my life forever.

That night ended in way I never saw coming. We were 16 years old again, and it was indeed beautiful. One of my favorite moments was when we were cuddling with each other, he had his head in my lap and I was just rubbing his head. It was one of my favorite memories for that night.

They next morning we woke up and exchanged Christmas gifts. I gave Adam Spudda Fett, which is a Mr. Potato Head that he has continually talked about getting. He looked at me and rolled his eyes, as he was under the impression his parents got it for me. He handed me mine, and I got the most special and most thoughtful present I have ever received from him. He gave me a Navy sweatshirt, I plan to wear that with so much pride and his honor for protecting our country.

We said our goodbyes to his family, and Adam and I were off to San Diego together for an impromptu night out.

Xx

Lately, I feel like I am not doing much that is correct.  Not at work.  Not at home.  Not at the relationship I am struggling to have with my biological mother.  Not in the friendship/relationship I was having with you.  It breaks my heart to not be striving at some of the things that are important to me, and thats what hurts the most.  I try, but I seem to keep failing.  I feel as if I am only giving, never receiving, then I am getting reprimanded for doing what I think is out of the goodness of my heart.  I just don’t get it anymore.

I am not a quitter, but I feel like I just need to quit for once in my life.  But, the better part of me says to keep fighting.

Today, we took Matt’s body to its final resting place, though his spirit is always surrounding us.  The memorial at the church was full of life, love, and joy…which is the way Matt would’ve wanted it.  We partied and celebrated his life, which is how we knew Matt! It was a fantastic service, heck, we even got up and danced! At the grave site, there was a hawk, which we all had a sense that that was Matt’s hawk.  May he rest in peace.

Matt you will truly be missed, but your spirit and life has touched my life forever.

Boom boom, fire power!

What I posted on the guest book that was created in memory of Matthew James Ackerman.

“Jan. 12th, 2010
I had the pleasure of getting to know Matt from Camp Colby.This past summer was absolutely a blessing, every day I would see Matt and he put a smile on my face. He was full of great joy and had a contagious spirit.
He is a true blessing to each person he touched, and we should all feel so blessed to have wonderful memories with Matt.”

This year was a big year for me as far as birthdays go.  I turned 21 years old on January 12th! My parents took me out to a nice dinner to celebrate, and as much as I was praying for a new MAC but instead I got something better.  My parents gave me a diamond ring that is unique and really my style.  It holds 14 little diamonds, and its just gorgeous! The following day I took my first trip to Las Vegas, NV! I went with Tori (my ex-bf Phil’s sister and her friend, Angela) and my friend Melissa T! It was a lot of fun! We stayed at the Gold Coast and partied for three nights.  It was amazing…my favorite night was the night Melissa and I met 3 guys from Long Beach at the Bellagio and met up with them later at Coyote Ugly.  That club was amazing!

February

This month didn’t hold any specific memories.   Of course there was Valentine’s Day, but I had the special opportunity to spend it in San Diego with Catherine!  That was a lot of fun, seeing and spending the weekend with her in her apartment was great! Catching up and meeting her new friends from school and drinking a little bit too! Very fun Valentine’s Day!

March

Back to Vegas I went! At the end of the month I took a trip back to Nevada with Bradley.  We had a very nice suite in at the Rio, and had a blast. Granted, he was only 20 at the time, so clubbing wasn’t really in the cards.  We saw the Cirque du Soleil show, “Zumanity.” That was incredible! Very memorable trip to Vegas, and another weekend I enjoyed being 21!

April

Just another month closer to graduation is what April brought me.  There was Spring Break, and that was just a relaxing week while I worked a little bit.  I did interview for the internship at 20th Century Fox, and flipped out when I learned I had landed the gig!  I remember I was sitting in my photography class and I was checking my e-mail.  I received the offer and let out a burst of joy right in the middle of class.  I am so blessed for being hired, it has truly been a blessing!

May

Once school was wrapping up, I started my internship. A week after I started I attended my first premiere. It was for the show, “Glee!” What a hit that turned out to be.  It was very exciting to see the show and see the red carpet and everything that could be expected at an event like that.   Then the following week was the annual summer extravaganza that Fox puts on and I saw a screening of “A Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian.” My first two weeks were full of so much excitement.

June

Summer was finally here.  My internship was going great, and I couldn’t have been happier.  I saw a screening of “Jennifer’s Body,” with Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried and Adam Brody all written by Diablo Cody. I also attended Annual Conference in Redlands, my 10th year!

July

This month was fun! At Fox I saw “(500) Days of Summer,” for the first time, and fell in love with the movie that stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zoey Deschanel. Amazing movie! Best part of this month was Camp Colby! It was a very special year, not only was it great and amazing, it also had my best friend’s 21st Birthday intertwined with camp.  Fantastic! The week was based off of the book “The Shack,” and it went really well.  It was a beautiful week, full of special memories that have been left in our hearts.

August

My internship at Fox came to a close and I went back to school.  But I also went on a mini family vacation to San Diego to finally go to Sea World.  I was a like a little kid in a candy shop, I was so excited! To end the month I went to my very first red carpet affair!  I attended the “All About Steve,” premiere with Sandra Bullock and Bradley Cooper. I also watched the movie inside the Chinese Theater in Hollywood.

September

This month led to a change in the rest of my year.  On September 12th, Rachel and Warren got married and I had the privilege of attending the gorgeous wedding.  I was Laura’s date. While dancing and having a grand old time, I reunited with an old acquaintance from camp.  Chris and I started talking and come to find out, his 21st birthday was the very next day.  We celebrated after the wedding at Borderline with his mom and Laura.  Later in the month I went to my next premiere for “Jennifer’s Body,” with Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried and Adam Brody. That was a crazy premiere, it took place throughout the Hollywood and Highland Mall and the Chinese Theater.  To wrap up this eventful month was another trip to Las Vegas.  This time, I took Chris with me.  It was a little leap of faith to take a guy I didn’t really know to Vegas for the weekend, but it was wonderful.  We got to know more about each other, and we had a fabulous time.  We hit up Coyote Ugly, since I had a great time there in January.  Then, our favorite night was when we went to the VooDoo Lounge at the top of the Rio! A weekend we won’t forget.

October

Our first Young Adult Retreat was in October and it was at Lazy-W.  It was a fantastic weekend where we were able to serve other people from the conference.  There was a deep pit bar-b-q, and it was delicious. We went on a 3 mile hike, and it was gorgeous. That entire weekend was interesting having Chris with me, but by the end of the weekend he had asked me to be his girlfriend and I gladly accepted. By the end of the month I finally had to tell my parents about Chris, especially since they were going to meet him at the SCUM’s Murder Mystery Dinner which helped raise money to restore Camp Colby which burned in September. The next night was Halloween, and we had a great time.  We went to a party and dressed as convicts.

November

The beginning of the month was fantastic, and Chris and I went on a double date with Lisa and Dave.  I was glad they all met, Lisa is pretty important to me and I am so glad she liked Chris.  Then things turned a little wacky, with some very interesting turn of events in my life and relationship.  Though they weren’t the happiest times, they brought me closer in my walk with Christ and made my friendship/relationship even closer with Chris.  Though we ended our relationship after Thanksgiving, we never fully separated.  Just took a step back, and I think it has been very good for us.

December

The last month of the year was interesting.  I came down with tonsillitis for the fourth time in the past couple of months, and of course it was at the beginning of finals.  Finishing up the Fall Semester was very difficult, and I could have done much better in my classes than I did.  The highlight of the month was the “Avatar” premiere.  They shut down the westbound side of Hollywood Blvd, and it was epic! Very memorable, and I will never forget the part of the night I met and took a picture with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. During the week of Christmas my Grandma went into the hospital.  After finding out she has lung cancer in November, the radiation therapy made her white blood cell count too low.  Seeing her in the hospital was terrible, and spending Christmas there was not something I wanted to do with her.  I wanted everything to be ok and her at home like normal.  The day after Christmas was spent with Chris and his family and it was absolutely wonderful.  He gave me a pretty bracelet for Christmas that he bought for me in Vegas when he went back in October.  2009 brought me a very great guy.  I am so blessed to have him in my life, and I think we are getting stronger as individuals and in our friendship/relationship. I hope in the near future we can bring our relationship back to full commitment, but that must happen in the right time.  We are happy where we are now, and I am looking forward to spending New Year’s Eve with him and bringing in the new year!

What I hope for 2010…

This upcoming year holds many great events! First and foremost, I turn 22!  I am starting the year off in Vegas with Chris and it should be exciting.  We are both looking forward to that trip! I’m going back to 20th Century Fox, and I can’t wait! I also graduate from CSUN in May, and I hope to start my career by summer! 2010 holds many opportunities and I am looking forward to seeing them unfold!

Bring it on 2010!

Then, on Monday my Grandma was put into the hospital for an extremely low white blood cell count and internal bleeding.  They put her through multiple tests, gave her blood transfusions, oxygen, and everything else under the sun.  She was told she was going home on Christmas Day, and well that came and went and she is still in the hospital.  It’s been hard staying strong for my family.  I know my Grandma smoked a pack a day for 46 years, now she has lung cancer and a valve to her heart that is 30% closed, and she is the only one that can be responsible for that.  But, she is my Grandma, the one who helped raise me until I was 10 years old.  She holds an extremely special place in my heart and I am not ready for her to say, “Good-bye.” Going to the hospital on Christmas Day was very emotional for me, but I held it in.  I was not ready to see my Grandma in a hospital bed, not only was she in bed she couldn’t get out of bed without assistance.  Then to see her hooked up to IV’s, oxygen, and blood? That isn’t my Grandma. It was very painful for me to see my Grandma having so much trouble.  While opening gifts, my Grandpa brought my Grandma her birthday gift, which is only a week and a half early, but seeing them both cry was heartbreaking.  My Grandma didn’t want to open it, but my Grandpa insisted.  She finally opened it and it was an Elvis stocking.  My Grandpa was also hard to watch on Christmas.  He has completely lost it without my Grandma.  He cooked a turkey, which he accidentally put upside down.  He couldn’t figure out where anything was, we asked for flour and he knows what it is but at the time he couldn’t figure it out.  He also made the comment, “I can’t live with her, and I can’t live without her.”  Its true.  They need each other. Then tonight, my parents came home and one of the comments was, “She is alive out of pure luck.” That broke my heart.  Chris and I are going to go visit her on Wednesday and I look forward to having her meet him. That will mean a lot to me.

On to a happier topic, even though Christmas wasn’t Christmas for me this year, yesterday was extra special and helped make up for my lack spirit. Spending the day with Chris and his family was full of joy.  We saw “A Christmas Carol,” at the El Capitan theater in Hollywood and then went to lunch at Mel’s Diner. After that, we were able to relax and enjoy each others company until we went to feed the homeless.  Feeding the homeless last night was a fantastic! Seeing them to grateful for such a simple thing, touched my heart.  I don’t have many opportunities to do that, so being able to was great! Then Chris and I had some alone time, and that is always wonderful.

Chris is truly a blessing in my life.  When I was sick, he would call me every night to see how I was feeling. Yesterday, I lost it a few times throughout the day, and started crying and he just comforted me.  He would listen to me, hold me tight, and that was what I needed.  He also told me that he was their for me, and that simple thing meant more to me than he can imagine.  I am truly blessed.

“What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

On Wednesday night I had the privilege of being on the blue carpet for the movie premiere.  Being an intern at 20th Century Fox has given me so many opportunities, and this was by far, the coolest event ever!  They shut down the Westbound side of Hollywood Blvd, because the carpet was on the street.  Intense!  So many photographers were there to cover the event, as well as news crews.  It was big!  Many stars came out to support James Cameron in his 15 year project.

Avatar Cast
-James Cameron & his wife, Suzy Amis
-Sam Worthington
-Sigourney Weaver
-Zoe Saldana
-Michelle Rodriguez
-Giovani Ribisi
-Joel Moore
-Stephen Lang
-Leona Lewis

Other Guests
-Joseph Gordon-Levitt
-Jamie Lee Curtis
-Cuba Gooding Jr.
-Danny DeVito
-Jason Alexander
-Cheryl Tiegs
-Brendan Fraser
-Tom Arnold

Cast from “Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightening Thief”
-Logan Lerman
-Brandon T. Jackson
-Alexandra Daddario

After the blue carpet event was finished, I headed off to dinner with everyone at Fox and two photographers.  We were able to catch up on the past couple of months and I even learned a little about photographers and this specific profession.  Once dinner was over and the movie was about to let out, we headed off to the after party.  I was in awe of how this event took place.  Literally…OVER THE TOP!  In the venue they decorated it with a professional but excited feel, they had girls dancing from the sky on the pieces of cloth…crazy! They also had 3D letters that spelled out Avatar with projections on the letters.  It was very exciting.  Not only was the venue absolutely beautiful, I was at a party with the stars.

Being at this after party was so unexpected, but definitely a night I will never forget.  After doing my job, I went and mingled.  Not knowing anybody but people from Fox, I actually had some guts and talked to two guys.  First, I talked to Logan Lerman, he was a sweetheart.  He plays Percy Jackson in the upcoming film, and I met his best friend.  That was cool.  They both went on about how awesome the movie was, not to shocking for a couple of young guys.  I hope to see him at his own movie premiere in February.  The main person I was excited to talk to was Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  He was one of my first celebrity crushes back when I was six years old and he was in ‘Angels in the Outfield.’  I watched that movie a lot when I was younger.  His last movie ‘(500) Days of Summer’ was absolutely beautiful and I loved the film.  Who knew I would meet him? He was super sweet, very down to earth, and super attractive! I was in heaven, and I am so happy I had the guts to talk to him.  He introduced himself to me as ‘Joe’ and then we started talking.  He asked me if I worked on Avatar and I told him that I did over the summer in the photo stills department and then he went on to how epic the movie was. Then, I took my prized picture to capture a moment I will never forget. Thanks Joe for making my night!

Finally, Friday night came I saw the spic movie! Chris and I went on a date to see the 3D picture, and it was intense!  I really enjoyed the movie, and I knew the pictures and screen grabs didn’t do the movie justice but it is incredible! I could always feel an intense part coming on, because Chris would squeeze my hand tighter and tighter, it was kind of funny to me.  Very true story, a love story, action packed, thrilling, mind boggling and engaging! It was amazing and had practically left me speechless!

As for right now, all I can say is, “I Love You Christopher!”